Meow Myth
by little furry cannibals
Summary: Side story to "Fate's Idea of Fun". Even little, innocent Van has a story tell and he has.


It's so dark and I can barely see. I wish to hell my squinty little eyes would open so I could figure out what the huge purring, licking thing next to me is. I think it's a mum but I don't know. I tried to call out to it but all I get from myself is some crappy little sound followed by another sponge lick. Sometimes the sponge will give me food. Eventually my eyes open and I realize I was right; it is a mum! There are other smaller ones like me called brothers and sisters. Apparently we share parents but I am teased. I am the only one with such a multitude of colors in my fur.

One of my sisters is especially pompous. She constantly bedazzles the things called humans which play with us and give us treats. I can't understand what they find so appealing about her. She has no manners and doesn't like to be held. None of us like to be held but if you let a human do so, you get a wonderful massaging scratch behind the ears. This sister of mine scoffs at such an action and simply prances by them, wanting to hear their funny words, but not wanting to feel them touch her.

The humans have started calling her Baby Butterfly but I call her Baby Bitch. She told me she doesn't care and has decided to return the favor and call me Paisley Reject. I scoffed at her poor use of words until she pointed out what a paisley is. It is hideous and revolting and I promptly tackled her, demanding she take it back. Our mother was too busy licking another sibling's butt to stop us. He's so round he can't even groom himself properly and mother spends more than an unnecessary amount of time cleaning him. The human that came running in however…

* * *

><p>Oh my siblings are so jealous. It has been ten weeks since my glorious birth and apparently I'm the handsome, most desired one out of all of us. I knew that of course but Baby Bitch turned feral. The humans talk about selling me and my counterparts. This will only work if all of my demands are met. I refuse to end up like some barn cat having to scrounge for discarded kibble like my retarded brother. I caught him trying to wriggle under the stove for some petrified food the other day. How blue collar of him! As if his porky butt could slither under such a narrow space. The humans know though that I am a god! All of my whims need to be answered quickly and appropriately.<p>

Well crap and not the litter box kind. The humans have let into their house a decoy. Stupid mammals. If they simply used their senses they would know the figure they are talking to is not like them. He smells differently and I fear him. I pray that the kitten they are talking about selling is not me! I am much too regal to be given away. I begin to relax as the humans tell the upright ice cube that the handsome one is not to be sold. None of the other cats could ever be described as handsome; that title is solely for myself. I cannot help but smirk as I lick my paw to brush across my face, knowing that soon one of my siblings will be sold off. That means more attention for me. I wonder if the garbage glacier will choose my tubby brother or bitchy sister. I do have one other brother and sister but I think they are defective. They don't preen and prance like a proper cat should and what human would want a mole cat? Of course, what human would choose a fatty or a haughty? These aren't humans buying though so maybe their tastes in a cat are different.

Oh dear. Maybe taste was the wrong word choice? This cold thing is staring at me intently like I'm some sort of…of…appetizer! A predator always recognizes another predator and that is clearly the look he is giving me. I must concentrate on an attack plan. The cold one is placing funny rectangular leaves into the hands of the human leader. It seems to be a lot of leaves and the more that are given the bigger the smile grows, from both parties. Oh no, the humans are putting me in a cage. I have no time to effectively plan and strike. I cannot believe they're letting this fake thing take me away from home. Oh, this is not how I thought my future would be.

It talks and his voice reminds me of scratchy polyester. There is another one with him, him being called an Edward and the other one being called an Alice. They keep saying something called a Bella will be so excited to receive me. This Bella better be willing to serve me and I hope to the goddess Bast, Bella smells better then these decaying statues. Ugh, seriously have they never heard of odor eaters? I mistakenly chewed on one once. The humans were all up in fur over the small tears in something they called Dior footwear. It smelled scrumptious, like a baby cow. I was smart enough not to get caught again so I tore out its insides to chew on later. Craftily I hid this Odor Eater under the bed away from prying eyes. Yuck, it tasted nothing like the original Dior. I was tricked. But wait. If I just stretch out my paw through this funny fence like door I can grab some of the new baby cow. The foolish cold things call it a Volvo. The Edward has said several times that I will not touch it. The stupid…Odor Eater-less one. The intoxicating aroma of beef spanned right in front of me calls like a twittering feathery thing and I must at least sink my graceful claws into it. Just another stretch or two and…

So that wasn't the best of ideas. The Alice thing is now holding my prison box in her lap. I can feel the coldness seeping into the floor of my cage from where it sits on her legs. I have tried to terrorize this Alice but she is immune to my sharpened weapons of destruction. I tried unleashing a might roar, a sound much more frightening then I did a few weeks ago, but it didn't intimidate them in the least. In fact, the Edward one gave me a growl of his own and quite frankly I think I peed on myself because my tail is wet. I huddle in the back of the cage now, hoping to never hear those sounds again. Oh no, if I have soiled myself that means they will want to…

And here I am again in a clean smelling cage. I myself still have a few wet spots from the torture technique known as a bath. I felt like such a lifeless mop as I sat there not moving and being dunked repeatedly in water. It would have been the worst thing ever however I also had to endure their touch. Coldness such as that should never be experienced by one as warm blooded as I. They talk of this Bella thing soon coming home to be surprised. I'm not sure I will be able to handle such an ordeal…

I have restored my honor in the eyes of Goddess Bast! The one they referred to as Bella is warm and kind. Oh I am so giddy; she has a delicate scent about her better than Dior and is most comfortable to be around. I have been with her for only a few hours and she has conversed with more of the rotted popsicles to decide what to call me. I have tried to assure her the "Your highness" is an appropriate term for me but she doesn't understand. The disgusting thing called Rose suggested I be named 'Road Kill' and her overbearing mate came up with 'Prince Pansy'. The prince part was okay but I am far from a pansy. I descend a long ways from the grand animals known as lions. Clearly this icky Emmett thing lacks such knowledge. Thank Bast, my Bella has better tastes. She brought out a book filled with pictures of paintings and wants to honor me with a name similar to a renowned artist and a favorite treat of hers. I am not so sure about the artist part but the treats -a Reese's Pieces- they are quite delectable. She gave me one while we looked over the books. They were crunchy on the outside but oh so sweet and creamy in the middle. I can see why Bella enjoys them and am honored she wants to name me so.

The character known as Dali painted dreadful things. They remind me of one of the humans from where I was born. He was young but his room looked like a torture facility; huge posters of melded images to make you cringe. Of course, the Picasso artist has similar demented thoughts in his artwork. The fur in my tail shivers at what he could have been thinking to paint such things. Thankfully in the end, it was decided that my deserving title should be van Gogh's Reese's Pieces Masterpiece but as an informality, I would mostly be known as Van. I shall acquiesce.

* * *

><p>It has been several weeks and I find myself willingly following and talking to Bella. She tries so hard to master my language and it is cute and adoring. I know that her 'meow' was off and that she didn't mean to insult me and call me a splatter stain. Immediately afterwards I cooed to her and assured her I took no offense. She can't purr like me but makes a delightful, high pitched rumble that the humans call a giggle. That is her way of letting me know she is as happy as I am.<p>

College life isn't so bad. Sure my mistress has to study a lot but I help her by keeping the books warm and batting at her pen so that her words can flow faster. A few of her books had pictures that scared me. It almost looked like one of my brothers or sisters, flayed open to be viewed. I had nightmares for weeks and have learned that sleeping wrapped around my mistress's head is not only the best place to be but keeps away the scary images of flayed siblings.

She goes to class a lot and tells me how sorry she is that I can't go with her. I don't mind on the days when there is so much warm and inviting light pouring through the window so I can soak it up and plan my domination over the feathery and bushy things outside. On the days the water falls from the sky, I get nervous and hide under the bed where it is dry and no one can find me.

My mistress had friends over today. The one called Angela seemed nice and I let her touch me. Her caresses weren't as comforting as my Bella's and I only allowed it for a moment. That stupid one known as Mike suggested that he could use me to clean out his bong. Do I look like a bottle brush cleaner? He would be better off getting one of those bushy nut-huggers from outside, the ones that are a lot smaller than me and are in fact shaped to fit inside a bottle.

Oh thank Bast, the cold statue things have left for now. Why can't my mistress smell and feel the death they emit? That Alice one could be sort of acceptable. She at least brings me new toys and plants. If only mistress could get the Alice to shut-up. It never ceases, the constant babbling of that one and she reminds me of a nut hugger with her high pitched tones. At least this trip there was only three of the statues. The Alice clung to the tallest of them and calls him Jasper. He is as vile as the rest of them and makes me anxious. I can't help but pace around the house wondering how I might thwart them to leave me and my mistress alone. When my Bella told them goodnight, I hurriedly followed her into her room, pacing some more as she crawled into bed. I curled around her head to sleep when I realized that she was doing the same thing. Both of us couldn't sleep, not with the rotting ice cubes in the other room. I jumped up to resume my pacing, knowing that it would be the only way to stay awake. Every time I leaped off the bed and then back on, Bella would grumble for me to lie down and sleep. Thank you very much, mistress, I would love to. However one of us had to be responsible enough for look out. The Alice one was telling the Jasper to make us sleep and I scoffed. As if he could control what I wanted to do. Suddenly I felt a choking force around me and my steps became uneven and my eyes began to droop. I was tired and needed to sleep. I could barely crawl back up onto my perch where my Bella was.

* * *

><p>Mistress has come back and she smells funny. I can tell she was marking herself on those cold ones but it smells as if another type approached her. I must pay more attention to her and make sure I am not being surpassed. I cuddle especially close this night in hopes that she remembers there is none other like me. The awful screeching of an alarm clock disturbs us both and she angrily slaps at it. I wonder if she has noticed that I have tried to talk to it. The alarm clock bares ugly scars from where I have grown impatient with its silence and given it mighty scratches. Why does it only talk when we are sleeping? As Bella prepares my morning meal I contemplate the complexities of an alarm clock and decide that perhaps if I discuss it with the new plant mistress has given me, I shall get an answer.<p>

* * *

><p>When mistress returns home from work tonight, she seems particularly excited. She feeds me and I can tell she will be leaving again. I hope it is to visit her friend, Angela and not that loser from school, Mike. Trailing behind her, I am shocked to watch as she dresses in special clothes. Grr, I curse those. She has outwitted me and leaves them in a special box I cannot crawl into. She has no idea how dangerous it is, not to let me leave my scent on her. There are many predators out there and if they are not aware of me as her fierce protector, she could be hurt.<p>

It is late in the morning and my mistress has not come back from last evenings activities. How dare she stay out and not return to sleep with me or make sure I have breakfast on time! The sky water, the element she calls rain, fell immensely and I was forced to cower by myself with only the silent glaring alarm clock. Oh, it mocked me as it counted the time for the sun to appear and also marking how long it has been since my mistress has left. Sadly I approach my domain to eat grass. I circle the different varieties as I determine what might fill me best.

The blessed sounds of her metal keys, alerts me that she has returned. Being able to forgo my sparse meal, I wait for her by the door. My anger will be great and she needs to make it up to me. Perhaps in the form of some canned goodies. Mistress won't let me eat the fresh kind in the living room but the kitchen ones are an adequate substitute.

My ire is stilled when she enters the hallway. Her eyes are red, puffy and are…raining. Trying not to forget that she deserves my temper, I can't help but shake over the water thing. To make it worse, she reeks of an animal, one of those growly things I am forced to endure the near presence of when she takes me to get poked. She must feel terribly guilty for she has given me treats almost every hour. I don't want to forgive her but she looks sad and I find myself comforting her.

The days pass slowly. I wonder if I should worry about mistress. After the first rain incident, she seemed to be cured but was silent. Not even my loving talk or head butting made her smile. As the days continued, she talked a lot to the Alice; even now my ears still ring from the sound.

Yesterday she brought home some berries. They are little round toys that I love to chase. Unfortunately sometimes they roll underneath the huge metal objects in the kittenchin. A funny name as there are no furry creatures like myself there. I am surprised when she leaves again today, later than she normally would. She was wearing unmarked clothes again and worry consumes me since she appears happy about this. While I ponder what this could mean, a red ball distracts me. Ah ha! It has returned from the metal thing and I have decided to tear it in half.

Hmm, did not expect it to be so… juicy. Mistress will not be happy should I track it on to her chair. I am forced to eat this thing and have decided they aren't that bad. Oh disgusting I must also lick the floor to be rid of the evidence. Certainly not as scrumptious as my beautiful grass but I am imaginative and think of a mouse while doing so. It eases the discomfort…

* * *

><p>Darn it, I did not mean to fall asleep. My Bella has returned home but she is not alone. I can hear her; she is in the other room talking to someone who has a growly. Cautiously, I make my way to where she is to remind her that I am her first priority. My steps falter as I get closer; the growly scent is strong and I worry that one has come home with her.<p>

She calls my name and I know she has not forgotten. Quickly I run to jump into her welcoming arms where she hugs me tightly. My rumble box starts and I can't help but feel like there is a growly in the room. I can't see one but the smell is nauseating. I quiet myself as Bella talks. She may have important words for me; what few of them I can understand.

Turning slowly to make sure there is not a silent growly behind me, my eyes widen. There is another human here with her and it is him that stinks. She sets me down to talk to it while she giggles infectiously. She calls him Jacob and my patience runs thin. Like a good mistress, she picks me back up and I turn my attention to this Jacob, taking in his appearance. He is so tall and sweaty smelling. Unlike the smelly Edward one, this Jacob will need more than one Odor-Eater to mask his stench.

I fear for my Bella and decide he needs to know what I am capable of. I offer him a chance to leave by showing him my teeth. I know they sparkle like none other; my mistress takes good care of me that way. But this Jacob is not scared of me; he returns his own threat with a growl!

My body acts on its own; puffing up and increasing my size considerably. He must know my mistress Bella is mine and not his. She does not show any signs of distress over his warning and I must defend her. To remind him of this, I mark her with my scent relishing as she giggles over the attention I am giving her. She knows I am hers and this growly man thing doesn't stand a chance at claiming her.

All too soon I am placed back down but mistress is happy and talking to me, not growly man. She mentions the delicacy known as cheese and I am honored. Turning my back to the Jacob, I follow her into the kitchen chirping my appreciation at her thoughtfulness.

It is not long before she blesses me with this food fit for my goddess, Bast. It is sweet, tangy and soft and crumbles just so between my teeth. She has also given me an odd thing she calls a cracker. I have seen her eat these; they are quite gross to consume. But I think she is confused and have I learned that one must just lick the tops of them to help offset the sweetness of cheese.

I am so caught up in my pleasurable treat that it is awhile before I realize they have left me alone in the room to dine. I can hear her voice and she keeps saying my name a lot. She must be telling the stinky tree that he is no match to me and he should back away. Like a proper feline, I clean myself after I am done so when I return to Bella I will smell fresh. Maybe he will realize that is what he should do also if he wishes to be in our presence. Maybe mistress will subject him to the torture technique known as a bath. Ha, that would teach this foul thing never to come back. Once has she uttered the bath word to this Jacob, he will flee like the coward he is!

Wondering into the room she likes best, a living room, I find them on the huge oversized claw sharpener. They aren't their long before Jacob picks her up. She has her mouth directly on his and I chuckle over the fact that she must make such a direct approach to explain the way things work. Like the might predatory I am, I stalk behind them to the bedroom. As soon as the Jacob growly recognizes that this room is my nest with Bella he will leave. Making one last swipe to clean my face, I stop in the doorway to see how quickly it will take him to leave.

They have removed their outer coverings and the body scents are stronger than usual. Snorting a few times to make sure I am detecting it correctly, I can smell the human version of hormones indicating that she would like to mate. I know the growly is odiferous and I get a chuckle as I see my mistress try to help him by licking away his sweaty stink. It isn't working though, I can tell it is getting stronger. Oh sweet Bast! He is confused and apparently so is my mistress. Now he is doing the same thing to her! The stupid creature, my mistress does not smell why can he not control his tongue. He is licking her and… I must cover my eyes. One does not lick another there! That is private and completely uncalled for. I stalk closer to the bed, ready to launch myself and attack as need be.

She begins to wail, much like she is enjoying it. I must sit down to figure this out. There is obviously something I am not comprehending, but what? I am too close to the bed to watch this Jacob try to clean her anymore and I step back to see what is going on now.

No Mistress! No, do not do that! How could she think that engulfing him there will ease away the pungent odor? I am too horror struck to stop the traversity and before my mind even assembles a proper response the movement is over. My Bella is cooing and giggling softly, somehow finding enjoyment in that; the Jacob one too. He has decided to wrap himself around her. I don't like this, his stink will never come out of my pillow and I can't remove him without hurting Bella. Angrily I sit in my chair on the other side of the room, just waiting for the morning. Oh yes, he will pay for his stink.

The obnoxious alarm clock thing torments me this night. It flashes a stick with two circles after it, and my patience is gone. With the self-grace of a mighty feline, I have decided I will not sleep in this semi-comfortable chair and crawl up on my mistress's bedside to resume my rightful position at her head. The stupid Jacob doesn't even notice.


End file.
